I am instituting a new ‘plan’ to help me to do the things I keep wanting to do but don’t have the time for. I am going to, at least for the next few weeks, use Thursday nights as a ‘creative workshop’ for myself where I take the time to work on all of these projects running through my head. This means that though I will be tempted to fill those nights I need to keep them open except for special occassions. I need my friends to help me this. I won’t use those nights as hang out nights unless it is someone helping paint etc. I need to actually do this! I have a million things I keep saying I’m going to do and a whole look book of inspiration but I haven’t had a chance to do any of it.

Let’s see how long this lasts.

P.S. I will try to post every thursday with what I did that week. (Starting this Thursday but then skipping a week because I’ll be in San Francisco.)

Every area of our life must be sustained by balance. We have to balance energy and rest, independence and trust, confidence and cockiness, laziness and burn out. It’s easier to put full energy into moving one way or another than to try to balance precariously on a teetering ledge. I tend to be an extremist and no matter my apodictic arguments with my own head I can’t seem to convince myself to allow moderation. Whether this stems from a bull-headed stubborness in myself or a disquiet fear that complacency will to easily overtake me I’m not sure. But I do think that balance is necessary, that I’m lacking in it, and that it is in itself something I strive more and more to find.

Always there… always right below… trying desperately to overtake. Maybe this something new will create a change.

We all feel it, the dragging pull of a tide we call stress… I had always used writing as a release, but in the past little while (it seems like a long time but I am a terrible judge of this) I have tried to limit any negativity that I put down, speak, or show… I feel like you can put yourself in such a worked up frenzy that if my exterior was calm and settled and my words and actions displayed positivity, if I read and studied the scripture, prayed, fasted, preached, taught, lived, and repeated the Word that somehow it would stick and sink in.

The thing is, it hasn’t, I mean, I absolutely believe beyond knowing, but I don’t feel it, see it, desire it (in a positive way, maybe in a desperate craving way). Instead of the feeling slowly dissipating I feel that everything in me is screaming and clawing at me. I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin, that any moment I could just finally lose it… the thing is, I know I won’t. There is no pop or breaking point in the way we think. I think in the end you still choose to let go; now it may be from pure exhaustion or you surrender, but you still let go. I don’t mean this in a judgmental way by any means either, I think that it would take an enormous amount of courage to let go, to stop clinging so hard to that last shred of sanity… The thing is, I know that that point won’t come. I will either get better or I will be right here where I’ve been. It’s not a ‘hope’ or confidence in myself that leads me to believe this, I just know me.

Tonight is the last night of my fast and i think what has been most pressed upon me during this time is my lacking prayer life. I used to feel that prayer was one of my greatest strengths. I was an intercessory warrior in prayer. Now, however, there is something about the idea of coming to the Lord again and again for the same thing feels like I’m not trusting Him- that I don’t think He’ll remember or care somehow. I know it’s a silly thought, but so is the idea that I need to nag at Him like a whiny child. I still pray but I don’t feel as though I am being earnest even when I really am. I know that when Moses pleaded with Him God changed His plans. I know that Christ gave us the example of the man banging on his neighbors door in the middle of the night. After, laying requests before the Lord I pray that His will be done rather than any solution or request that give. I am so reliant on Him and His plans that is there use in praying for the things that I feel I want or need? He knows better than I what is best for me. So instead of bringing my many requests I most often pray for His will and pray for the discernment to know what that is. My methods have changed good, bad, wrong, or right, I’m not sure…

“The world has yet to see what God can do through a life that is totally surrendered to Him.” — I don’t know who it’s from. 

Today was my first week back as a project manager and I know I’ll be able to get into the swing of it. It’s just going to take me a hot second.

I also think I am going to try to get my PMP certification.

At this juncture five weeks means something… it’s much too long a time.

A recurring theme in my devotions and meditations for the week has been the idea of whole-heartedness and zeal when it comes to the Lord. In fact the theme that I seem to be dealing with can be applied to any area of life.

My mother and I used to remark often on the main reason that diets are so hard - consistency. It is easy to work up this fiery energy to commit to something but the difficult part comes in the uselessness of committing part time. You can be self-controlled and be passionate about that diet for 23 hours a day 7 days a week but if you blow it just that one hour every day you are wasting your time and energy.

Likewise God is not interested in a part-time commitment or an on again off again relationship with His children. He says that if you are lukewarm He will spit you out of His mouth. It gains us nothing to put in our 3 hours a day and our 2 services a week if the remainder of the time we cast Him aside. How sad that we would even be tempted to do such. Why would we desire to live outside of His presence if  even for a brief moment?

Beyond this, there is no such thing as an ambassador being off the clock - a diplomatic ambassador cannot disregard his purpose even for a moment lest he chance casting a shadow on the country he represents. So it goes with those of us who claim Christ’s blood over our lives. Scripture says that our home is not of this world but that we are ambassadors to the King. How we hold ourselves remains under the scrutiny of all who regard our claim whether inside the confines of the church or out.

Myself included I cannot see wanting to live a ‘half-way’ abundant life, or in ‘part-time’ freedom.

The chips are down..  and I’m all in.

So I have been studying temptation this week and what I believe I have found is this defense method quite similar to our fight or flight intuition. This being said I believe that there are times we must stand firm against and fight temptation. But I think that too often we say this and then allow ourselves to be tempted unnecessarily. There are time that we should flee the temptation before it becomes something that can overtake us.

When Joseph was propsitioned by Potiphors beautiful wife he did not stand firm or reason with her, he fled… One of the sermons I have written is about -the other cloak- the theory of fight or flight…. The deal is that everyone knows about Josephs mulitcolored coat, but how often do people talk about the coat he left behind when he was so desperatly fleeing a temptation at hand.

I think too often we put ourselves in certain situations because we think that God will give us the strength to stand the temptation… but when you walk into it when you don’t make an effort to avoid those things you know will tempt then you may be using the wrong strategy. Fight and flight work togethr on this one.

Teach me, O LORD,

Give me understanding,

Direct my path

Psalm 119 is an incredible passage - a very full passage, and one often quoted. But I am beginning to see it in a light that I had not noticed before. God placed a word on my heart and I have been looking through scriptures since on this idea that though we often seek direction, guidance, or a word from God, we don’t accept what He offers.
We declare with our lips and in prayers that we trust Him and will do anything He asks, yet that which He has already given us to do we ignore.
So often there is a portion of our lives we desire God to move in, and yet that area He is pointing out to us we ignore.
We have our pet sins, our lazy flaws, and our hidden indulgences.
While Psalm 119 speaks of God uplifting us, strengthening, and guiding, it also shows action on our part;”I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly.  I obey your precepts and your statutes, for all my ways are known to you.” I obey, I delight in Your commands, I yield, pursue, follow…God will always uphold his promises…We don’t need to beg for His help and guidance when He so deeply wants us to have it - God gives us Scripture, discernment, and the exhortation of fellow believers in order to guide us… for us to know what we are to do and not do it… is as plain a sin as any other.Is it so very hard for us to realize that we can know what we should be doing simply by what we know today… we don’t have to see a mile ahead because God put’s the light at our feet and He knows where the path will lead.If we walk in His will there is no need to manipulate our own plan.

I am very very very tired at the moment, however, I want to hold myself to this personal commitment. I am going to try once a week to post about something I have been focusing on in my daily devotions.

I invite anyone who reads this to help hold me to this commitment.

Ok.. I feel better now I’m going to bed.

So I have been on this kick with working out. This stuff that my dr. has me on has a side-effect of gaining weight, so… I’ve been working out 5+ times a week. So it has become part of a social thing for me - since I am working out anyway I try to get others to do it with me. I get to spend time hanging out while doing something that needs to be done.

Today, however, I had it all come one after the other. Marybeth and I have been supposed to do an ab workout for the last few days and it keeps getting postponed, I was supposed to meet someone at the gym today, and I had the day off and wanted to do something with the boys. Soo…

today I went to the greenway with Zay, Joshua, and Jonathan - we rollerbladed for three miles - a half hour later I headed to the gym for an hour of group power (a kick butt program at the gym that targets every major muscle group with weight training), when Marybeth got home we did the P90x ab-ripper program, then because I had been talking it up with Jonathan he wanted to do the arm and shoulder set (another hour).

Whew… I feel really good but I have an idea I’ll be a little sore… esp since MJ and I are supposed to be at the gym tomorrow morning for the Sat. group power class.

The thing about rollerblading that was weird is that it was so tough - I can run an hour on the eliptical and be fine but rollerblading KICKED my butt today. I WILL get in shape though

So my last business trip was long and I had to work over the weekend, so…. I took the day off and Marybeth and I went out for some pampering. I had never gotten a professional massage and let me tell you…. wow… amazing. We got an ex-foliating back scrub (called the baby back package) a full body massage, and a chocolate something foot treatment. This was a package for Nature’s Nook that we had found through groupon.com.I would encourage anyone to look into it if you find a similar deal.  At first I was a little wary because of the building’s location and appearance, but once we got inside none of that mattered. They were professional, courteous, and did their best to make us feel pampered. It worked.Other things I did today:Went to the gym, took a nice nap (haven’t had one of those in a while). Got some work done that had been backing up, went to the car show and dinner with Joshua and Dad, and watched a movie.All in all it was a spectacular day!

So I’m still in Chicago - day 6. I have decided that to my surprise I prefer Seattle to Chicago. I’ve had a lot of let downs from what I expected from this city-mostly I’ve just picked the wrong places.

I feel like I’ve really learned a lot at the usability conference this week - http://www.nngroup.com/events/chicago/agenda.html

I feel like such a nerd for enjoying the training sessions so much.

Anyway I’m exhausted and don’t have the mental brain power to write anything worth reading so I’m going to go…

I’m in Seattle again and am at the moment enjoying my first experience with the Cheesecake factory. I think it’s absolutely fantastic! I had never had a shrimp sandwich but it turned out to be really really good - had bacon, shrimp, cheese, and all the trimmings. For dessert I brought back a red velvet layered cheesecake (what I’m eating now).

The weather here has actually been very very pretty which is very un-seattle to my mind, although I spent most of the time in meetings so I didn’t really get to enjoy it.

Tonight I’m going to go see Brian Regan perform so that’s going to really be my fun part of the trip - can’t wait!

Christ declared that He came that we may have life and life more abundantly. Scripture states that we should not live in defeat and that we are to bring every thought into captivity.

Besides the inherent importance placed on these ideas because of their author, these are again instances in which we see affirmation of our Lord’s design.

Why, if we are to live abundantly must we bring our thoughts into captivity? Every person experiences what is called ’self-talk’. In most individuals the majority of this chatter when undirected is negative and self-defeating. Although there is a great amount of variance in opinions as to the speed at which this ’self-talk’ takes place most of these numbers fall between 600 and 7,000 words per minute (a huge difference I know) yet even at it’s lowest is easily five times the speed of our conversational speech which in the U.S.A. is clocked at an average 120 words per minute. This means that the majority of what any one person ‘hears’ are those negative thoughts which we allow ourselves.

If we have any choice in the matter of what we think, and I would tend to believe we do, then we are the most influential person in our own lives. Our mindset matters. Scripture declares that He came that we may have life, and have life more abundantly. So I’m speaking out my identity in Him, away with eloquence, I’m plunging in,

So here goes…

I am a child of the King
An heir to His Kingdom
Bought at the highest ransom in history
through this was redeemed,
made righteous
and pure.
I am free from condemnation
and a stranger in this land
the salt of the earth
the light of the world
and His long awaited bride.
I am blessed with all He is,
now perfect in His sight
I am priceless
matchless
and for no other reason than because… He loves me.. my identity, my worth, was found that moment he chose me, that he chose death… How can we ever say we’re anything less than exactly who He made us to be, that we are anything less than exactly enough.

We don’t have to prove anything, to shape up, buckle down, do better, be more, He doesn’t want your success, your striving, your vain pursuits, He wants you!
I will not settle for living in myself. I will not settle for life, when I am meant to live life more abundantly.

I refuse to live in mediocrity!

I refuse!

So I was very tired but couldn’t sleep so decided to get on here and write… then I noticed my last post sad. I suppose I need to make time for real posts.

So update… I’m leaving again for Seattle this Wed. I will be in seattle for three days and then will be heading straight to Chicago until the 25th so I’ll be gone 11 days straight… little hard to pack for since everything’s business-wear which is usually a little heavier to pack.

I am very very excited about the Chicago part of the trip. I’m going to a usability training conference. I love to learn and have been gaining a great deal of experience recently. I can now sit down and create the design for and all of the html & css for a site in the span of a few hours with notepad++. I could do it before but the process was laborious and the results shaky although that they may still be. But all of the application interface design I was doing was very new to me. So I’ve held off on the upcoming few projects in that area until after this conference. Hopefully it I will be able to learn a great deal.

Management-wise I still feel new to logistics but am also losing the main person I was working with who actually became a fun friend. I’m sad to see her go, but I’m very excited about her opportunities. So it’s just been hard trying to determine how much of my -everyone has to like me mentality- should be reigned in. I enjoy working with people I get along with. I think work can be ok when you can have fun and conversation. But on the other hand I’ve been told I can’t be the softy… I need to be… not

tired and cannot sleep…

Just got back from my Seattle business trip. Long, long trip there but it was exciting to plan layout our up and coming projects It was very cool to treated as sort of a big shot coming in so that was fun and I got to visit my family out there so that was absolutely fantastic. The dry air was difficult for me just because I’m unaccustomed to it, but the weather was actually nice while we were there.

A fun note - I think I actually may be a little more allergic to squid than I thought… at least I’m thinking that’s what must have happened since it’s the only thing I’m aware I’m allergic to. We went to a sushi place for lunch one day and when we got back into our meetings I started to have a reaction and my throat started to close, yikes!! I politely excused myself from the meeting and tracked down some benedryl then was just a little short on breath for a bit then fine but it was a little shocking.

I’m going to be doing a bit more shopping in the near future, looking forward to that. I’m exhausted for the evening so I will leave you with this picture (taken from my phone really late at night and far away but it’s still pretty

Couldn’t help myself, did a few more tonight.