Fading Existence

As the flower of the field he shall pass away. It’s petals wilt and the beauty of it’s appearance is destroyed. So too is the man in the midst of his pursuits. At the very moment everyone is looking on in admiration at it’s beautiful face it fades away to nothing



So all week I’ve been working my first project full time during the day, coming home and napping, then working a night shift with the developers in India for my second project. I’ve been exhausted but today I feel so so much better! I got up and had breakfast with my dad, we went to Franklin and picked up patio furniture for my little patio, went to the bank and ran a few errands that I had been putting on hold, cleaned out the car, got together all of my tax information, filled out some paperwork that’s been sitting waiting, worked with the developers, took a nap, went running, took a shower, and still have the evening to myself! I wish every day was a Saturday!

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Never-Ending Project


So for those who know what I’ve been up to you know I’ve been working for almost a year now on a large software project in Nashville. For the last several months everything has been on hold while I try to finish the project. I haven’t been working out, I haven’t been hanging out, I haven’t been sleeping, I have been putting everything off until I am done. The project was supposed to be completed on the ninth and then a new deadline was given of the 21st. Now there is a list of items that were going to be done by the client in a phase two that are being added into this phase of the project and the project is being extended… again. It’s killing me. I’ve already started the next project so now I’m juggling both. I’m just ready to be done.

Oh and by the way – this is hilarious and applies perfectly. 

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Here we go again,


So as my personal motivation comes in waves so does my inspiration to write here. However, I’m almost done with this almost year-long project and we have successfully (or will have Monday) released a new CRM. Since I will no longer have to drive to Nashville every day I am going to do three things – I am going to work out, write, and paint more. All three are very exciting but if I don’t hold on to those two hours I’m saving a day I will lose them. I know it happens so I’m going to hang onto them as tightly as I can. Since I’m still at work and just taking a quick break I should go… but yay to the end of a loooong project!

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I can’t sleep but I’m exhausted…

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I am instituting a new ‘plan’ to help me to do the things I keep wanting to do but don’t have the time for. I am going to, at least for the next few weeks, use Thursday nights as a ‘creative workshop’ for myself where I take the time to work on all of these projects running through my head. This means that though I will be tempted to fill those nights I need to keep them open except for special occassions. I need my friends to help me this. I won’t use those nights as hang out nights unless it is someone helping paint etc. I need to actually do this! I have a million things I keep saying I’m going to do and a whole look book of inspiration but I haven’t had a chance to do any of it.

Let’s see how long this lasts.

P.S. I will try to post every thursday with what I did that week. (Starting this Thursday but then skipping a week because I’ll be in San Francisco.)

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Every area of our life must be sustained by balance. We have to balance energy and rest, independence and trust, confidence and cockiness, laziness and burn out. It’s easier to put full energy into moving one way or another than to try to balance precariously on a teetering ledge. I tend to be an extremist and no matter my apodictic arguments with my own head I can’t seem to convince myself to allow moderation. Whether this stems from a bull-headed stubborness in myself or a disquiet fear that complacency will to easily overtake me I’m not sure. But I do think that balance is necessary, that I’m lacking in it, and that it is in itself something I strive more and more to find.

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Something New


Always there… always right below… trying desperately to overtake. Maybe this something new will create a change.

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We all feel it, the dragging pull of a tide we call stress… I had always used writing as a release, but in the past little while (it seems like a long time but I am a terrible judge of this) I have tried to limit any negativity that I put down, speak, or show… I feel like you can put yourself in such a worked up frenzy that if my exterior was calm and settled and my words and actions displayed positivity, if I read and studied the scripture, prayed, fasted, preached, taught, lived, and repeated the Word that somehow it would stick and sink in.

The thing is, it hasn’t, I mean, I absolutely believe beyond knowing, but I don’t feel it, see it, desire it (in a positive way, maybe in a desperate craving way). Instead of the feeling slowly dissipating I feel that everything in me is screaming and clawing at me. I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin, that any moment I could just finally lose it… the thing is, I know I won’t. There is no pop or breaking point in the way we think. I think in the end you still choose to let go; now it may be from pure exhaustion or you surrender, but you still let go. I don’t mean this in a judgmental way by any means either, I think that it would take an enormous amount of courage to let go, to stop clinging so hard to that last shred of sanity… The thing is, I know that that point won’t come. I will either get better or I will be right here where I’ve been. It’s not a ‘hope’ or confidence in myself that leads me to believe this, I just know me.

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Tonight is the last night of my fast and i think what has been most pressed upon me during this time is my lacking prayer life. I used to feel that prayer was one of my greatest strengths. I was an intercessory warrior in prayer. Now, however, there is something about the idea of coming to the Lord again and again for the same thing feels like I’m not trusting Him- that I don’t think He’ll remember or care somehow. I know it’s a silly thought, but so is the idea that I need to nag at Him like a whiny child. I still pray but I don’t feel as though I am being earnest even when I really am. I know that when Moses pleaded with Him God changed His plans. I know that Christ gave us the example of the man banging on his neighbors door in the middle of the night. After, laying requests before the Lord I pray that His will be done rather than any solution or request that give. I am so reliant on Him and His plans that is there use in praying for the things that I feel I want or need? He knows better than I what is best for me. So instead of bringing my many requests I most often pray for His will and pray for the discernment to know what that is. My methods have changed good, bad, wrong, or right, I’m not sure…

“The world has yet to see what God can do through a life that is totally surrendered to Him.” — I don’t know who it’s from. 

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First Week


Today was my first week back as a project manager and I know I’ll be able to get into the swing of it. It’s just going to take me a hot second.

I also think I am going to try to get my PMP certification.

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so long


At this juncture five weeks means something… it’s much too long a time.

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23hr diet


A recurring theme in my devotions and meditations for the week has been the idea of whole-heartedness and zeal when it comes to the Lord. In fact the theme that I seem to be dealing with can be applied to any area of life.

My mother and I used to remark often on the main reason that diets are so hard – consistency. It is easy to work up this fiery energy to commit to something but the difficult part comes in the uselessness of committing part time. You can be self-controlled and be passionate about that diet for 23 hours a day 7 days a week but if you blow it just that one hour every day you are wasting your time and energy.

Likewise God is not interested in a part-time commitment or an on again off again relationship with His children. He says that if you are lukewarm He will spit you out of His mouth. It gains us nothing to put in our 3 hours a day and our 2 services a week if the remainder of the time we cast Him aside. How sad that we would even be tempted to do such. Why would we desire to live outside of His presence if  even for a brief moment?

Beyond this, there is no such thing as an ambassador being off the clock – a diplomatic ambassador cannot disregard his purpose even for a moment lest he chance casting a shadow on the country he represents. So it goes with those of us who claim Christ’s blood over our lives. Scripture says that our home is not of this world but that we are ambassadors to the King. How we hold ourselves remains under the scrutiny of all who regard our claim whether inside the confines of the church or out.

Myself included I cannot see wanting to live a ‘half-way’ abundant life, or in ‘part-time’ freedom.

The chips are down..  and I’m all in.

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So I have been studying temptation this week and what I believe I have found is this defense method quite similar to our fight or flight intuition. This being said I believe that there are times we must stand firm against and fight temptation. But I think that too often we say this and then allow ourselves to be tempted unnecessarily. There are time that we should flee the temptation before it becomes something that can overtake us.

When Joseph was propsitioned by Potiphors beautiful wife he did not stand firm or reason with her, he fled… One of the sermons I have written is about -the other cloak- the theory of fight or flight…. The deal is that everyone knows about Josephs mulitcolored coat, but how often do people talk about the coat he left behind when he was so desperatly fleeing a temptation at hand.

I think too often we put ourselves in certain situations because we think that God will give us the strength to stand the temptation… but when you walk into it when you don’t make an effort to avoid those things you know will tempt then you may be using the wrong strategy. Fight and flight work togethr on this one.

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Teach me, O LORD,

Give me understanding,

Direct my path

Psalm 119 is an incredible passage – a very full passage, and one often quoted. But I am beginning to see it in a light that I had not noticed before. God placed a word on my heart and I have been looking through scriptures since on this idea that though we often seek direction, guidance, or a word from God, we don’t accept what He offers.
We declare with our lips and in prayers that we trust Him and will do anything He asks, yet that which He has already given us to do we ignore.
So often there is a portion of our lives we desire God to move in, and yet that area He is pointing out to us we ignore.
We have our pet sins, our lazy flaws, and our hidden indulgences.
While Psalm 119 speaks of God uplifting us, strengthening, and guiding, it also shows action on our part;”I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly.  I obey your precepts and your statutes, for all my ways are known to you.” I obey, I delight in Your commands, I yield, pursue, follow…God will always uphold his promises…We don’t need to beg for His help and guidance when He so deeply wants us to have it – God gives us Scripture, discernment, and the exhortation of fellow believers in order to guide us… for us to know what we are to do and not do it… is as plain a sin as any other.Is it so very hard for us to realize that we can know what we should be doing simply by what we know today… we don’t have to see a mile ahead because God put’s the light at our feet and He knows where the path will lead.If we walk in His will there is no need to manipulate our own plan.

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I am very very very tired at the moment, however, I want to hold myself to this personal commitment. I am going to try once a week to post about something I have been focusing on in my daily devotions.

I invite anyone who reads this to help hold me to this commitment.

Ok.. I feel better now I’m going to bed.

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Too much of a good thing


So I have been on this kick with working out. This stuff that my dr. has me on has a side-effect of gaining weight, so… I’ve been working out 5+ times a week. So it has become part of a social thing for me – since I am working out anyway I try to get others to do it with me. I get to spend time hanging out while doing something that needs to be done.

Today, however, I had it all come one after the other. Marybeth and I have been supposed to do an ab workout for the last few days and it keeps getting postponed, I was supposed to meet someone at the gym today, and I had the day off and wanted to do something with the boys. Soo…

today I went to the greenway with Zay, Joshua, and Jonathan – we rollerbladed for three miles – a half hour later I headed to the gym for an hour of group power (a kick butt program at the gym that targets every major muscle group with weight training), when Marybeth got home we did the P90x ab-ripper program, then because I had been talking it up with Jonathan he wanted to do the arm and shoulder set (another hour).

Whew… I feel really good but I have an idea I’ll be a little sore… esp since MJ and I are supposed to be at the gym tomorrow morning for the Sat. group power class.

The thing about rollerblading that was weird is that it was so tough – I can run an hour on the eliptical and be fine but rollerblading KICKED my butt today. I WILL get in shape though 🙂

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Day off


So my last business trip was long and I had to work over the weekend, so…. I took the day off and Marybeth and I went out for some pampering. I had never gotten a professional massage and let me tell you…. wow… amazing. We got an ex-foliating back scrub (called the baby back package) a full body massage, and a chocolate something foot treatment. This was a package for Nature’s Nook that we had found through groupon.com.I would encourage anyone to look into it if you find a similar deal.  At first I was a little wary because of the building’s location and appearance, but once we got inside none of that mattered. They were professional, courteous, and did their best to make us feel pampered. It worked.Other things I did today:Went to the gym, took a nice nap (haven’t had one of those in a while). Got some work done that had been backing up, went to the car show and dinner with Joshua and Dad, and watched a movie.All in all it was a spectacular day!

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So I’m still in Chicago – day 6. I have decided that to my surprise I prefer Seattle to Chicago. I’ve had a lot of let downs from what I expected from this city-mostly I’ve just picked the wrong places.

I feel like I’ve really learned a lot at the usability conference this week – http://www.nngroup.com/events/chicago/agenda.html

I feel like such a nerd for enjoying the training sessions so much.

Anyway I’m exhausted and don’t have the mental brain power to write anything worth reading so I’m going to go…

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I’m in Seattle again and am at the moment enjoying my first experience with the Cheesecake factory. I think it’s absolutely fantastic! I had never had a shrimp sandwich but it turned out to be really really good – had bacon, shrimp, cheese, and all the trimmings. For dessert I brought back a red velvet layered cheesecake (what I’m eating now).

The weather here has actually been very very pretty which is very un-seattle to my mind, although I spent most of the time in meetings so I didn’t really get to enjoy it.

Tonight I’m going to go see Brian Regan perform so that’s going to really be my fun part of the trip – can’t wait!

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